Jacky Lai

To be, or not to be? That's the problem.

The other day, I met one amazing girl, who is sort of my colleage.  She's very cute, very thoughtful, and I admit that she's some kind of girl that I like.  We were going pretty smoothly in the first two months.  She often gave me a phonecall at night, cuz she worked night at that time.  Kinda freaky though, i felt fine actually.  We knew each other better and better.  And then, things changed.  Something that really bothers me happened, and I knew it, or I saw it very very accidentally.  We both don't know how to face each other under such weird circumstence.  So we tried not to think about it and just let it go.  She asked me to go to their annual gathering, and undounbtedly her friends made lots of fun of us.  It's alright, doesn't really matter.  Two weeks later, we went hiking together.  That's the one day i knew something different from her.  I began to doubt her past.  But then i thought, if you really like someone, why should you doubt?  Isn't that more important to treasure what you have owned.  It's even more uncomfortable when it comes to the style of girls i like.  She recalled that i once said that the girl of my dream should be intellectural and musical, which by all means not kind of girl that she is.  But i said that it's not what she is that i like, is how we feel that i want.  Whatever, we had a great fun and went home happily.  On my birthday, she asked me out for lunch.  We met at Ikari Cafe, and my cellphone rang.  Shit, what a great timing.  I was not on duty, it was not my patient, but the chief resident just asked me to transfer the patient to ICU.  "I'm so sorry.  It's been so smooth all day long, and it's this moment they want me to be busy." i said.  "that's fine, i'll just wait." She knew it quite well, cuz i was always so "unlucky".  "So, my lucky star doesn't work today," i whined as i was transferring the patient.  An hour later, i finally had it done and returned to the Cafe.  She was still sitting there waiting.  " Damn, i was so sorry. I thought it would be quite fine, 'cuz everytime we have a date, i'd be so lucky!" "it's ok, happy birthday" "yeah, with you right here, i am really happy.  thanks!"  Shit, i missed a chance to tell her.  Then, I tried to ask her out for dinner two days later.  she refused, and i was confused.  In the weekend, i went to a temple to pray for a smooth ending of my internship.  I sent her a massage to see if she needs any extra-good luck.  She replied, and I noticed that she's having a big test in that weekend.  I prayed a little bit for her and wished her good luck.  Then, I received nothing from her anymore until two days ago, we met accidentally in the cafeteria.  Everything between us is just as usual.  Nothing seems to go wrong, but i just don't feel right.